The Truth Is Out...

This week has been...crazy to say the least. I got home from School on last Wednesday! I am really glad to be home, but it has been pretty crazy ever since being home. On Thursday I was watching an episode of glee with my parents and they were making a lot of comments about the gay couples on the show. It was getting a little ridiculous! So I decided it was about time...I shut the TV off and turned to them and said we had to talk. That night I told them everything about my struggle. I told them I know how every one of those characters felt like when they were going through everything. I told them about the bullying and everything I went through growing up. It was hard to tell them, but even harder for them to hear. The biggest reason I had to speak out was because I am done with what Christians think of homosexuals. I can't stand it anymore! I told them no more comments that would be negative towards them because every comment was like a stab into my heart. Because I had grown up with these feelings and I beat myself up to a point where I am just now, at 20 years old, learning that I am worth so much and I am so proud of who I am! Honestly what I have learned this week is that, yes this struggle can be awful at times, but I wouldn't change it for anything. It has made me who I am and honestly I am blessed that God gave me this to deal with. It's because of this struggle that I have a passion to help people like me! I am going to do something big with this and I don't know how but it's going to be crazy and I can't wait to see what happens! I can't tell you how excited I am about it! My parents are still trying to work through all of this, which I understand because it is a lot to take in and process through. It took me a long time to process through it now that I've been in counseling! I just can't really tell you guys how awesome I am feeling right now! It's like I don't really have anything to hide anymore. I want to help people that are just like me. I want to help Christians chance their views of who homosexuals are. (I am not saying that I am a homosexual, just that it is a struggle!). I love them so much and I just want them to see how awesome they are like I do! So many kids have gone through abuse, bullying, and even rape and have gone through this life thinking they are trash, but they aren't! They are awesome and absolutely beautiful! They were made in God's freaking image! WHAT DON'T WE UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT?! HE mad them and they are worth so much more than we give credit for. We have to show them love! So now you know my passion! I want to show them that Christians can love without condemning or judging. I know we can do it! I will change something! It's gonna be big and God is going to get all the glory!

Do we as Christians love Homosexuals?

Honestly I would like to answer that question right off the bat. Yes I am doing a sweeping generalization and when it comes to generalizations there are always exceptions but my is answer is no. No we don't show love. We say we do, but do we really? We know were supposed to and maybe to their faces were nice but I have been behind the scenes after that and I hear comments like "they are so gay" or "I don't understand why anyone would want to live like that."or even "the only thing that homosexuals want is sex and its disgusting and they sicken me" these phrases I've heard from people...in my family. Yes my family. Every comment that I have heard has been like someone stabbing and twisting a knife through my body. Needless to say, it's so painful. It is not okay and it hurts people! And you know what? I am not even living that lifestyle but I do struggle with it and it hurts just as much. Every comment people make, makes me feel like I am worthless and honestly garbage. I feel like I have a disease that everyone thinks is disgusting. No one wants to deal with it, but they have no problem calling it out. I was bullied. I was called gay too many times to count. I am still healing and honestly I can't even imagine what openly gay kids went through in school. I had it bad, but not nearly as bad as I am sure many other kids have had. I have heard so many awful stories of homosexuals actually killing themselves because they were bullied for how they feel. Every time I hear a story like this my heart literally breaks into thousands of pieces. But. But, I know how they feel. They felt worthless. They felt awful about themselves just like I have for so long. Depressed. Lonely. But, I'm done. I'm done sitting back and listening without saying anything. I'm done with doing nothing about this! I don't really know how but I want to get out to the homosexual community that we love them. We don't show love because Christians think its disgusting and they want nothing to do with them. Honestly I do not want any kid to have to deal with anything that I have had to deal with. And what I have dealt with is not near as bad as what others have had to deal with. I am just so extremely frustrated that the homosexual community feels completely rejected by the Christian community. WHY IS THIS?! The people whom are supposed to show God's character??????! Honestly I can't stand the Christian community some times. We call ourselves Christians and then make nasty comments about homosexuals?! Guys this isn't okay at all! If Jesus would have come back today I am convinced that one of the people groups that He would spend the most time with is the Homosexual community and yet we don't really want anything to do with them? We comment on things like gay marriage and completely shut them down when they want equal rights? I am not saying that gay marriage is okay. But I am saying that the only time we do actually interact with the homosexual community is when we have to deny them of what they want. This is awful! The fact that those are pretty much the only time we come in contact with this community...so I'm asking...is this love? I mean no wonder the homosexual community thinks that we hate them. The only time we talk to them is when we shoot them down about something. I am just so frustrated because these are our brothers and sisters. They were made by the same God that we worship! They are unique, special, and worth everything! They are worth dying for! DO WE NOT UNDERSTAND THIS?! They are just like you and me. So why can't we love them? Why can't we show them what true love is? I just don't understand how we have come to this point. We have come to the point where they really don't like Christians because we apparently don't like them. That is the last thing I want them to think of us! I just want to encourage anyone who is reading this to show love. Show them Christ. The only way to truly do this is to love on them. Be a friend. Don't shove a Bible at them. Love them. Let's change their view they have of Christians. I want to be that change. I promise to show them love no matter what. I promise to be involved with this people group and to show them love. I promise to love them to the end. I will not give up on them and though I may not agree with them, I will be with them and love them in any way possible because they are worth something. They are special. Honestly I completely believe that they show love better than most Christians do. So I will love them the way that God loves us. That...is what we are called to do.

Shattered

So many things have been on my mind lately. I guess my thoughts have crowded...well...most of my life. My thoughts about homosexuality have almost succumb my life. I am genuinely frustrated. I guess here recently I've been thinking about my first counseling session. My counselor flat out asked me that if I never entered the homosexual lifestyle then would I feel like I would be missing out on something. What was my answer? Yes. I guess this is probably the most frustrating thing to me at this point. I really feel like I would be missing out on something. This pains me to admit to anyone but it's how I feel. It's how I've felt for awhile. But it isn't fair. As I keep looking into a relationship with this girl I hate thinking about this. She's pretty much awesome and likes me for who I am. But where am I? I feel stuck. I have this is awesome girl who's interested in me and I really do like her, but then my struggle pops up and all these thoughts seem to crowd any other thought I may have. I wanted to write this blog to basically show people that I am broken. I am not afraid to admit this either. I am broken. frustrated. mad. shattered. I talk to my friends around me and they all say they understand how I feel...but honestly they don't. I only have 1 friend who does... He is awesome and honestly I am not sure where I would be right now if it wasn't for him. He has given me so much hope and encouragement. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. When I feel alone, I know that he struggles with the same thing and knows how I feel. God has placed him in my life for a reason and I can't thank Him enough! I guess I wanted to share this with people so that they know that as Christians, we can be broken. We have off days, weeks, or even months. It's hard! This life that I have chosen (Christianity) is well...hell. When everything around me tells me to go against everything I believe in, I have to listen to a small voice inside me that tells me not to. Guys...THIS IS SO HARD! This life wasn't meant to be easy and I realize that. I know that my situation absolutely sucks but I want to battle against it. I want to fight it until the end. It just seems that I have hit a hard place. We all hit these. It isn't easy, but I know that I have hope in the one who died for me to live. I know that I always have something to fight for. Even though I can't see God or even hear Him at times I know that I have hope. Sometimes it's so hard to see it and honestly I am having a hard time seeing it right now. But I know that He is with me. No matter how hard this will get I know He never leaves me and He will always be my protector and helper. Though I've hit a hard place I know that I will get out soon because I have something to fight for.

Out of the Box

So...I started watching glee. A lot of people in my life seem to dislike the show. Yes, I understand because there are so many questionable things in the show. But you know what? I have actually learned a lot from it as well. The biggest lesson I have learned is well...pretty much what my title says. Let me explain. Labels and stereotypes. What's the big deal about them? Well in a glee episode that I watched recently Quinn said, "labels are what this school is all about." Ya know what? Labels and stereotypes are what America is all about! We are all about putting labels on everyone. Why? I HAVE NO CLUE! It makes me so mad to see people everywhere putting labels and judging everything that people do. What would happen if we looked past our stereotypes? What if we didn't label people? The other day I heard one guy say, "dude, he's huge, he shouldn't have a voice that high!" What? Okay yes that's just a small thing that really isn't a big deal at all but...it is a stereotype. Struggling with homosexuality people are always trying to shove stereotypes and labels on me. So i'm not interested in most of the same things other guys are interested in. What's the big deal? So, I don't like sports. Not a huge video game person. Not into lifting. But here's the thing. Where do we even get all these labels and stereotypes? Society. I'm sick of all of them! As Christians we are supposed to do the exact opposite of what society is saying. This is what they do: put you in a box. They have all these boxes and if you act a certain way or feel a certain way then you fit into that box. I realize that watching glee has kind of shown me that we can branch out. We don't have to fit into those boxes. I see that the characters are breaking out and the "popular" kids actually end up becoming "losers". They try to break the boundaries, and society throws them down. They say it's not cool to be apart of a singing group. That was me in high school. I wasn't part of the "in" crowd. So you know what? I'm done. I'm done sticking labels to people. It isn't right or fair. Not fair at all. I realize I have lived my whole life a part of labels. People tried to stick the label of "gay" to me for too long. Society tried to give me that label. But you know what? I'm not buying into that. I may be different. I may like different things, but I will not be labeled as a certain thing. I'm done being okay with what labels people give me. It's not fair that we give others these labels and you know what? I am so guilty of this. EXTREMELY GUILTY. It's not ok. I just want to encourage anyone who may read this that you don't have to fit in a box! I encourage you to be who you are in Christ. Don't buy into who society tells you, you are!

God' work sophomore year!

I realize that I just started my sophomore year but God has done so much already! I am so extremely pumped! Where do I even start? I came in to the year really excited but honestly since I got here... It wasn't what I had expected. I love my friends so much but the guys that I have been hanging out with just are not the best influences. I was starting to become extremely frustrated because I didn't want this whole year to be like this. I knew something had to change. I love these guys! But I know that I can't be around them a lot because I get so spiritually drained that it becomes very overwhelming! So I joined choir this year (which I was not excited about) and it has been a blessing. I'm surrounded by a whole new group of people. I'm making some amazing new friends and really loving it. God knew I couldn't handle being around those same guys long and he has given me opportunities to get away from that. Although I didn't wanna join choir I don't know what I would've do e if I hadn't. I love it! He has also given me the opportunity to join breaking free! I haven't started that yet, but I am so pumped for it! This is another new group of people I am so excited to get involved with! I am so pumped about being able to make new friends and God providing these groups as kind of an escape from where I was. Those are just little blessings that have me pumped. I talked earlier about how I struggle with homosexuality. Well I decided to go to counseling this semester and I am so extremely glad I did! I had my first counseling session yesterday and loved it so much! So glad that God pushed me to do this! I was starting to really get discouraged because so many people around me are becoming okay with homosexuality and I just couldn't handle it. I was getting so down and doubting everything. I thought maybe it was okay... But no. It's not! I refuse to believe these lies that have been told to me. Yes it is a hard situation but I don't think it's okay. I think people like me just have a different role to play. My counselor pointed out Romans 12:3-6 and it talks about how as a church we are all gifted in different ways. He said you may be gifted differently than a lot of people but that doesn't mean that you are bad. Yes it's a  struggle and I am working on it but I also know I am gifted differently which is cool and I'm pumped about it. So counseling was so great! It's definitely going to be hard and a challenge but I'm up for it! Next I have always kind of wanted a mentor. So I was talking to a senior who also struggles with the same thing and he just gave me so much hope and encouragement. He is quite different and a lot of people make fun of him which makes me really mad. He is such a co person and if people took time to get to know him then they would see that. He said he would love to take me under his wing and we could meet up just to talk and stuff whenever. So another answer to my prayer! I am so excited! Seriously God is doing amazing things and I am just so excited about Him and everything! I can't wait to see what else He will do! 

My Summer...

Most people look forward to summer and are so excited about all the crazy things that will happen...me? I somewhat looked forward to it, but I didn't want to leave my friends.I got home and honestly my accountability is all at school. So as you may have guessed...its been rough being home. I have one accountability partner here who is amazing! I am so grateful and God has definitely bless me with her! She is an amazing friend and I love her. But it just wasn't enough. I was excited because I really wanted to grow in God this summer! I had great ideas about this Bible study that I started and I was pumped. As the summer went on, however, I realized that I had been completely stagnet in my walk and had failed so many times. The last couple weeks in July were the absolute worst. I had never wanted to leave my faith as much as I did these last couple weeks. I have yearned so much for the things of these world and I know how wrong that truly is. I have hit the all time low that I didn't see coming for quite awhile. I realized that I was and am no where close to God like I was at school. My thoughts were taking over and honestly im still recovering and working on them! I love God and I would never leave him, but these thoughts were taking me to places I never wanted to go. I finally had it...I yelled out to God the other night... Bawling. WHY DO I STRUGGLE WITH THESE THINGS?! WHY DO I WANT THEM SO BAD? I was so mad. I wanted to give up everything. I didn't want anything to do with God. I was so mad that He would ever have me struggle with these things...I am still questioning why I struggle with it, but I know that there is a reason. I never got an answer...I layed in bed completely down and depressed. The next few days weren't too good. Still struggled...finally last night I heard my answer. For about a week now I kept thinking of Jonah and I wasn't sure why...So I went and read the book I realized that I WAS JONAH! I have been running...the total opposite direction of God. I realized that I have ignored everything He was telling me. He then brought my thoughts back to New Years of last year...what was my resolution you may ask? I asked God to rock my faith like never before...I now realize I had no clue what I was asking. This summer I have faced so many tests and failed every one of them. God has been trying to strengthen me and build me up but instead I fail every time and have been so weak all of this time. I have ignored all the signs that God has been putting up and I have been living my own way. I now realize that this sin I struggle with isn't going to go away but with his tests they can get easier. It has been rough...but now I know and am so thankful for God putting up with me for so long after all of the crap I have given Him this summer. I need a lot of prayer and strength to keep running this because it is really hard, but I have been encouraged! I am feeling his joy and I am excited to see what's ahead now that I have been slapped hardcore ;)

Choosing

When it comes to our struggles... It's hard to fight. I guess tonight God slapped me in the face. He is the most important thing in my life, but I don't always act like it. When I actually commit a sin... I'm choosing the sin over God. Just stop and think about that. Something that is temporary and completely worthless is what we choose when we sin. Why? Idk. I honestly can't figure why I keep choosing something so vile and disgusting when I have my counselor right beside me that wants to help. God is permanent and perfect! He will be with us forever... If we choose Him. Fighting this sin is hard and awful, but fighting for something that is eternal and just plain awesome. That's what's worth it. In the long run non of this matters. Just our relationship with God, which is what has to be on top anyways... Just remember that when we are fighting, it's for an amazing reason! God has plans for us but how can we do that when we are constantly choosing something temporary when we could have permanent! 

Winter.....

It seems as though...winter has hit. I guess the way that I feel right now is the way someone may feel when they are trapped in the middle of snow storm. They don't see an end to it and can't seem to escape. I have amazing friends that have pushed me and kept me accountable. But even then...it is not enough. Those things are amazing and I would'nt trade them for anything. I guess the question I have to ask myself, several times a day, is how much do I want it? This relationship must be personal and between God and I. Yes we are called to live in community, but we have to want that personal relationship and then we can have the accountability and encouragement we need from others. I guess right now...........I have hit my winter where I just keep failing. Day after day. It doesn't seem to end. But the question that my friend asked me was "how much do you want it?" The more I think about that question the more it pushes me. I ask myself this every time I work out and I find it quite easy to be able to push myself when I am seeing the physical rewards. But this relationship which is what I am here for and what life is all about, is what I have struggles with. I want to His will done, but it just seems like I keep hitting these winters. I feel so trapped right now. But I also know that spring is coming. It always does. I guess I just need more pushing. Prayer is something that I have not stopped and will not stop. I pray for strength and pray to get out of this.............it just doesn't seem to work. I just want this to end. Until it does, I wait here......waiting. praying. hoping.

How important is Trust?

I just earned my best friend's trust or so he says. That remains to be seen. We just had a discussion about how he doesn't think he should trust any human. Why? I don't know why he has come up with this. I think he tends to hide behind walls because that's easier to do than to tell people what is actually going on. My goal is to try to break those walls down. I think I have broken a couple down but there are many more. It is honestly a really sad life if you can't trust people. Honestly, when people tell me that they can't trust me it breaks me inside. I just want so badly to be accepted and I think that I want to be able to earn people's trust. I guess most of the time I trust people when we first meet and if they do something to break it then I reevaluate that trust. So I guess I am just used to trusting people and it is easy for me... for the most part. There are some circumstances that I wouldn't trust anyone. I guess it must be a gift. I never realized how hard it was for people to trust one another. I think it is just part of our human and selfish nature. But I guess when I think about it... I really don't trust completely. It takes awhile for me to trust someone with everything. I just don't know what is so bad that people can't trust one another. I think it comes back to the fact that people think to much about what others think. They think that maybe they might be treated differently if they trust someone with something. I can see how people think that because that is definitely how I think. Trust is really important in a relationship. It's at least really important to me and my relationships. Without trust I feel like there is so much missing in that relationship. I intend to try to trust people more. This is something that I want and I want other people to do. I will be pushing my friend to try to realize how important trust is. Trust is key in all relationships.

Complete Vulnerability

Where do I even begin? I just recently decided to share my complete and full testimony with 2 of my closest friends. I was extremely terrified, but God kept pushing me to do it. I have never felt comfortable with sharing my complete story. Why? I was terrified of the response. Terrified I would be shunned or thought of as a sick dirty person. I was so scared to see what the reaction to my whole testimony would be I was so closed up about it. Now that I have shared it... I feel more free. No it didn't fix everything, but now I have people who I can talk to about it and not be afraid. The response to my full testimony was so much more amazing than I had ever expected. I did not know what to expect but I had never expected the love and acceptance for who I am and what I struggle with. It has been an amazing encouragement to me. Today, I actually got to share my testimony with someone who shares the same struggles and knows what I am going through. This helped me immensely!!! She knew everything that I had gone through and we shared so much in common it was really amazing. I was completely encouraged by this. Yes, we do have big fears about our struggles and honestly... it is going to be a long painful road. It is going to be really hard and I have a lot of questions about my struggles and why I have to go through them, but I am still learning. I know it is all for a purpose. I am actually going to go to counseling next fall! This really excites me because I really would love to talk and work through some different things. It has been really tough. My homosexuality struggle has been more of a pain than any other sin. I feel like its probably the worst sin anyone could struggle with just because of all that comes with it. It is a lot harder than people tend to think. A lot of them don't realize just how much goes along with this sin. Depression, anxiety, broken relationships, and worst of all loneliness. The fact that we may not ever be able to have a healthy heterosexual relationship kills me. Some nights I stare at my ceiling crying. I did not ask for this. But no matter what happens I know that I will not give up on following my God. He is truly amazing and I love Him so much. Why did I have to struggle with this? I don't know, but it is for a reason and I intend to find out! I know that there is a lot of pain to focus on and some times I get myself caught up in it. I have my bad days, but the most important thing is to focus on the amazing joy that God gives us. Every morning I choose God. It is His life, not mine and I will never give up for Him. If that means that I remain a celibate the rest of my life, then so be it. It will be extremely hard, but I will do it for Christ. I rely on Him no matter what happens. That is the key to life. Relying completely and fully on Christ and Christ alone.

Blessings

The very first thing that I think of when I think of the blessings that I have been given is my friends. They are always there for me and honestly I wouldn't want to live without them! I love them SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much! My college friends have been such a huge blessing in my life. I am struggling with things but they make it so much better just by being there. They always know how to cheer me up and they are sooooooo good at loving each other. I am just extremely blessed beyond belief when it comes to my friends. I wouldn't trade em for anything! I love how crazy they are! This is, of course, not the only thing that I have been blessed with. I tend to think about all the bad things that happen or the things that I don't have, but when I stop and realize just how selfish I really am I can see that I have been so blessed but I buy into the evil lies that satan puts into my head. My family is so amazing! I wouldn't want anyone else's family! My family loves me so much and my parents and grandparents have been amazing Godly influences in my life. I could go on all day with all the amazing blessings that we all have. Even life itself is a blessing! I am so glad that God let me be part of His day and for all the days He has given me! SO BLESSED! My GOD is awesome. I just want anyone that is reading this to realize that we are so blessed. Everyone has so many blessings. Don't focus on the negative!

Warrior VS. Worrier

I've actually been thinking... It's a new year and I wanna try something. I wanna have at least one resolution! Anxiety... It's been my silent killer since I started College. Why? I have no clue! I knew college would bring new adventures and different struggles but I didn't ever expect to struggle with anxiety. I started making myself literally sick to my stomach over this. It's the worst feeling. I guess when I think about the past I should have seen it coming. I've always been a worrier just not to this extent. I know this is part of my story. I love new challenges but this one has been tough. Really tough... So I've been thinking about what I have been and what I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be a warrior for God! Someone who fights for him! I've given God control and yet I still worry. My goal is to build my faith and become the passionate warrior He wants me to be instead of the worrier that I am. I'm excited for this crazy adventure! Bring it on!!!!!!!