My Summer...

Most people look forward to summer and are so excited about all the crazy things that will happen...me? I somewhat looked forward to it, but I didn't want to leave my friends.I got home and honestly my accountability is all at school. So as you may have guessed...its been rough being home. I have one accountability partner here who is amazing! I am so grateful and God has definitely bless me with her! She is an amazing friend and I love her. But it just wasn't enough. I was excited because I really wanted to grow in God this summer! I had great ideas about this Bible study that I started and I was pumped. As the summer went on, however, I realized that I had been completely stagnet in my walk and had failed so many times. The last couple weeks in July were the absolute worst. I had never wanted to leave my faith as much as I did these last couple weeks. I have yearned so much for the things of these world and I know how wrong that truly is. I have hit the all time low that I didn't see coming for quite awhile. I realized that I was and am no where close to God like I was at school. My thoughts were taking over and honestly im still recovering and working on them! I love God and I would never leave him, but these thoughts were taking me to places I never wanted to go. I finally had it...I yelled out to God the other night... Bawling. WHY DO I STRUGGLE WITH THESE THINGS?! WHY DO I WANT THEM SO BAD? I was so mad. I wanted to give up everything. I didn't want anything to do with God. I was so mad that He would ever have me struggle with these things...I am still questioning why I struggle with it, but I know that there is a reason. I never got an answer...I layed in bed completely down and depressed. The next few days weren't too good. Still struggled...finally last night I heard my answer. For about a week now I kept thinking of Jonah and I wasn't sure why...So I went and read the book I realized that I WAS JONAH! I have been running...the total opposite direction of God. I realized that I have ignored everything He was telling me. He then brought my thoughts back to New Years of last year...what was my resolution you may ask? I asked God to rock my faith like never before...I now realize I had no clue what I was asking. This summer I have faced so many tests and failed every one of them. God has been trying to strengthen me and build me up but instead I fail every time and have been so weak all of this time. I have ignored all the signs that God has been putting up and I have been living my own way. I now realize that this sin I struggle with isn't going to go away but with his tests they can get easier. It has been rough...but now I know and am so thankful for God putting up with me for so long after all of the crap I have given Him this summer. I need a lot of prayer and strength to keep running this because it is really hard, but I have been encouraged! I am feeling his joy and I am excited to see what's ahead now that I have been slapped hardcore ;)