The Truth Is Out...

This week has been...crazy to say the least. I got home from School on last Wednesday! I am really glad to be home, but it has been pretty crazy ever since being home. On Thursday I was watching an episode of glee with my parents and they were making a lot of comments about the gay couples on the show. It was getting a little ridiculous! So I decided it was about time...I shut the TV off and turned to them and said we had to talk. That night I told them everything about my struggle. I told them I know how every one of those characters felt like when they were going through everything. I told them about the bullying and everything I went through growing up. It was hard to tell them, but even harder for them to hear. The biggest reason I had to speak out was because I am done with what Christians think of homosexuals. I can't stand it anymore! I told them no more comments that would be negative towards them because every comment was like a stab into my heart. Because I had grown up with these feelings and I beat myself up to a point where I am just now, at 20 years old, learning that I am worth so much and I am so proud of who I am! Honestly what I have learned this week is that, yes this struggle can be awful at times, but I wouldn't change it for anything. It has made me who I am and honestly I am blessed that God gave me this to deal with. It's because of this struggle that I have a passion to help people like me! I am going to do something big with this and I don't know how but it's going to be crazy and I can't wait to see what happens! I can't tell you how excited I am about it! My parents are still trying to work through all of this, which I understand because it is a lot to take in and process through. It took me a long time to process through it now that I've been in counseling! I just can't really tell you guys how awesome I am feeling right now! It's like I don't really have anything to hide anymore. I want to help people that are just like me. I want to help Christians chance their views of who homosexuals are. (I am not saying that I am a homosexual, just that it is a struggle!). I love them so much and I just want them to see how awesome they are like I do! So many kids have gone through abuse, bullying, and even rape and have gone through this life thinking they are trash, but they aren't! They are awesome and absolutely beautiful! They were made in God's freaking image! WHAT DON'T WE UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT?! HE mad them and they are worth so much more than we give credit for. We have to show them love! So now you know my passion! I want to show them that Christians can love without condemning or judging. I know we can do it! I will change something! It's gonna be big and God is going to get all the glory!

Do we as Christians love Homosexuals?

Honestly I would like to answer that question right off the bat. Yes I am doing a sweeping generalization and when it comes to generalizations there are always exceptions but my is answer is no. No we don't show love. We say we do, but do we really? We know were supposed to and maybe to their faces were nice but I have been behind the scenes after that and I hear comments like "they are so gay" or "I don't understand why anyone would want to live like that."or even "the only thing that homosexuals want is sex and its disgusting and they sicken me" these phrases I've heard from people...in my family. Yes my family. Every comment that I have heard has been like someone stabbing and twisting a knife through my body. Needless to say, it's so painful. It is not okay and it hurts people! And you know what? I am not even living that lifestyle but I do struggle with it and it hurts just as much. Every comment people make, makes me feel like I am worthless and honestly garbage. I feel like I have a disease that everyone thinks is disgusting. No one wants to deal with it, but they have no problem calling it out. I was bullied. I was called gay too many times to count. I am still healing and honestly I can't even imagine what openly gay kids went through in school. I had it bad, but not nearly as bad as I am sure many other kids have had. I have heard so many awful stories of homosexuals actually killing themselves because they were bullied for how they feel. Every time I hear a story like this my heart literally breaks into thousands of pieces. But. But, I know how they feel. They felt worthless. They felt awful about themselves just like I have for so long. Depressed. Lonely. But, I'm done. I'm done sitting back and listening without saying anything. I'm done with doing nothing about this! I don't really know how but I want to get out to the homosexual community that we love them. We don't show love because Christians think its disgusting and they want nothing to do with them. Honestly I do not want any kid to have to deal with anything that I have had to deal with. And what I have dealt with is not near as bad as what others have had to deal with. I am just so extremely frustrated that the homosexual community feels completely rejected by the Christian community. WHY IS THIS?! The people whom are supposed to show God's character??????! Honestly I can't stand the Christian community some times. We call ourselves Christians and then make nasty comments about homosexuals?! Guys this isn't okay at all! If Jesus would have come back today I am convinced that one of the people groups that He would spend the most time with is the Homosexual community and yet we don't really want anything to do with them? We comment on things like gay marriage and completely shut them down when they want equal rights? I am not saying that gay marriage is okay. But I am saying that the only time we do actually interact with the homosexual community is when we have to deny them of what they want. This is awful! The fact that those are pretty much the only time we come in contact with this community...so I'm asking...is this love? I mean no wonder the homosexual community thinks that we hate them. The only time we talk to them is when we shoot them down about something. I am just so frustrated because these are our brothers and sisters. They were made by the same God that we worship! They are unique, special, and worth everything! They are worth dying for! DO WE NOT UNDERSTAND THIS?! They are just like you and me. So why can't we love them? Why can't we show them what true love is? I just don't understand how we have come to this point. We have come to the point where they really don't like Christians because we apparently don't like them. That is the last thing I want them to think of us! I just want to encourage anyone who is reading this to show love. Show them Christ. The only way to truly do this is to love on them. Be a friend. Don't shove a Bible at them. Love them. Let's change their view they have of Christians. I want to be that change. I promise to show them love no matter what. I promise to be involved with this people group and to show them love. I promise to love them to the end. I will not give up on them and though I may not agree with them, I will be with them and love them in any way possible because they are worth something. They are special. Honestly I completely believe that they show love better than most Christians do. So I will love them the way that God loves us. That...is what we are called to do.

Shattered

So many things have been on my mind lately. I guess my thoughts have crowded...well...most of my life. My thoughts about homosexuality have almost succumb my life. I am genuinely frustrated. I guess here recently I've been thinking about my first counseling session. My counselor flat out asked me that if I never entered the homosexual lifestyle then would I feel like I would be missing out on something. What was my answer? Yes. I guess this is probably the most frustrating thing to me at this point. I really feel like I would be missing out on something. This pains me to admit to anyone but it's how I feel. It's how I've felt for awhile. But it isn't fair. As I keep looking into a relationship with this girl I hate thinking about this. She's pretty much awesome and likes me for who I am. But where am I? I feel stuck. I have this is awesome girl who's interested in me and I really do like her, but then my struggle pops up and all these thoughts seem to crowd any other thought I may have. I wanted to write this blog to basically show people that I am broken. I am not afraid to admit this either. I am broken. frustrated. mad. shattered. I talk to my friends around me and they all say they understand how I feel...but honestly they don't. I only have 1 friend who does... He is awesome and honestly I am not sure where I would be right now if it wasn't for him. He has given me so much hope and encouragement. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. When I feel alone, I know that he struggles with the same thing and knows how I feel. God has placed him in my life for a reason and I can't thank Him enough! I guess I wanted to share this with people so that they know that as Christians, we can be broken. We have off days, weeks, or even months. It's hard! This life that I have chosen (Christianity) is well...hell. When everything around me tells me to go against everything I believe in, I have to listen to a small voice inside me that tells me not to. Guys...THIS IS SO HARD! This life wasn't meant to be easy and I realize that. I know that my situation absolutely sucks but I want to battle against it. I want to fight it until the end. It just seems that I have hit a hard place. We all hit these. It isn't easy, but I know that I have hope in the one who died for me to live. I know that I always have something to fight for. Even though I can't see God or even hear Him at times I know that I have hope. Sometimes it's so hard to see it and honestly I am having a hard time seeing it right now. But I know that He is with me. No matter how hard this will get I know He never leaves me and He will always be my protector and helper. Though I've hit a hard place I know that I will get out soon because I have something to fight for.