Independence

These last couple weeks have been...a rollercoaster to say the least, but after a lot of struggle and pain that I went through, I have come to a conclusion. It hit me while I was sitting on the couch in my counselor's office. Now, as I kind of touched base on in my last blog, I was basically trying to decide what the answer was when it came to Christianity and homosexuality. I was beyond confused because I could not find an answer!! Why was I even searching in the first place? That is where we should start. I guess this week's counseling session has made me realize why I did start searching. Why I was questioning everything. It all came down to people. That's right. The very friends and family, I had surrounded myself with daily, had made me question every single thing. I guess I finally realized this week that I had been completely relying on these people in my life. They told me something was wrong and I had to fight it (homosexuality). This is what I was told all of my life. I bought it. I bought every single little thing that was thrown at me. Well this Christian believes it...so it must be true right? Wrong. I had listened to everything! LIKE WHAT?! I am beyond frustrated that I have taken what people have told me and believed it without searching for myself. I can't imagine not figuring this out either. It's like I relied so much on what people said and how I wanted people to feel about me so I acted the way they wanted me to. I wanted to be liked...loved really. I loved that people were like "I'm so proud of you for fighting this" or "I can't imagine what you're going through, you are awesome!" These were the very things that I fought for. I never fought for God. I fought for people. Well after a few weeks of pain and searching I am finally free. No, I don't have an answer and I don't know whether it's right or wrong. I don't really have a feeling either way right now. My counselor helped me realize that I could live in the gray area. Which is something that I used to hate. I hated not having an answer. But you know what? I don't need it right now. I know that when I do need it, it will come. When leaving counseling on Wednesday...I finally felt free. What do I mean by free? I really felt this huge burden lifted off of me when I left my counselor's office. Why? Because I realized that I don't have to rely on people anymore. I don't really care what they think about me or how they I should live. I am not saying I will not hear my friends and family out when it comes to different things, but I know that it really comes down to me. I can finally be independent. I will make decisions for God...and then me. I will not listen to how people think I should live because that is not what God wanted for us and I completely believe that. I am not saying that what people have to say is not completely true, but I am just done relying on what they think I should do. I really do feel like I have the independence to make my own decisions now! I am beyond pumped about this. Life is really good and I can't wait to see what God does.

My World Flipped

I  realized that I haven't blogged in quite awhile. A lot of things have been going on. Honestly it all started at the beginning of last week. Frustrated and clueless I turned to God. I didn't know what to do. This "sin" became so heavy and awful. I didn't want to fight. Then I realized...I had no reason to fight this. God had reminded me that I seriously had no proof that this was wrong, I hadn't done any research and did not know my stuff on this subject. So...I dove in. This week has been crazy. I've never felt happier just by researching and finding different answers. Now let me just say that, no, I have not found a for sure answer on this topic. Homosexuality is such a giant topic I didn't know where to start and then I thought...lets start at the beginning! So I did, I went back just a few years to the Greek and Hebrew. I knew that I had to read this topic from the very beginning. I had to look at it from where it all started! So I did, honestly I looked at every verse that people have given me on the topic. I looked at the original language, did word studies, and prayed (A LOT). So, no, within the verses that I looked at, I did not find anything wrong with homosexuality. I've read so many things from both sides of the debate. Blogs, youtube videos, documentaries... It's been kind of crazy. I'm at the point where I can't find anything wrong with it. I guess I'm still hung up because everything that I had believed beforehand, everything that I had known all my life...was now being turned upside down! I had been taught that this was such an awful "sin." I had been taught that it was an abomination and disgusting. Now researching for myself and finding things that are the complete opposite definitely makes me skeptical and quite honestly just confused. I'm just confused as to why everyone thinks it's so wrong. No I am not saying that I have all the answers and that it is, indeed, okay. I guess I'm learning. But most importantly I just want everyone to know that I am going to be putting GOD first! That is what's truly important. Nothing else really matters. I've done research and I am willing to talk about it with other people, but I know that I must stay focused on God and what He wants for my life. That is what I will be doing. But I also just want to talk, just for a minute, about how awesome the people in my life are. I am going through this kind of questioning stage and learning a lot and I have been really worried about what my friends and family would think. I know they worry about me and don't want me to make the wrong choice here and I get that. But it's definitely going to be a decision that I will make...with God of course. But my friends and family are really open to discussion and I love it! :) I am just very blessed because I really am feeling so loved by them and it's awesome! I couldn't ask for anyone any one better in my life! I am blessed beyond belief! :)