I'm Struggling

Some may be like what? So, yes, recently I have been fighting with whether homosexuality is wrong or not. This is a huge debate in our culture today which is completely crazy. I guess I feel down. At this point, I don't think its wrong but I have not decided to embrace this lifestyle either. It is not something that I could or would even do right now. However, I am still searching for truth from God. I guess I do feel like a lot of my relationships are kind of falling apart which really does kill me. I love everyone so much, but I feel like I don't receive too much love from them back. I know they love me, I guess I just don't feel it. This is obviously one of the hardest decisions and choices in my life and I just want someone to come up to me and give me a hug. Tell me it's okay. Tell me that you love me. Just embrace me. I don't wanna hear them say its wrong and you should know better. I simply want someone to look at me and say, "I love you." That's all I need right now. This all kind of hit me when I was walking back from dinner tonight right beside one of my friends. Someone who used to be my best friend...until he shut me out. Both having these struggles, I guess I started questioning everything and he didn't. I think that's awesome for him! I really do and I want him to do what he wants! I want him to do what he thinks is right. I just feel like he shut me out of his life. This past week I think maybe I saw him 3 times, unlike the last semester where I would see him at like every meal, we met every week. I just saw him a lot more, but now he doesn't even talk to me. When I need people the most, I feel like i'm being shut out. So I talked to one of my good friends from home the other night. She gave me some great advice. She told me to stop. Stop talking about this issue. This has nothing to do with the people around me. So I'm done. I'm done talking to people about this issue. I really am. The more I talk to my friends and family about it, the more I feel broken. I know some people may think that I am shutting them out, but I really am not. I'm hoping this will help my friendships! This issue is between God and I. Not between me and my friends or family. I love them a lot, but I can't talk to them about this issue anymore. I really hope this helps some issues. I love my friends and family and I just want love back.

Unconditional Love

I met with...probably one of the most amazing people I have in my life, tonight. Not even expecting to even talk about what's truly going on in my life, she asked. She wanted to know how I was doing and how I felt about everything. I told her. I told her how much life sucked. I told her how I just wanted to be gay. I told her I had been talking to an amazing guy. I spilt everything. She literally sat and listened, intently, to what I had to say. Once I had finished she just looked at me and said, "I love you so much." As we talked more about it she just told me that there was nothing I could do that would make her love me any less. She said she loves me unconditionally. Although she does not agree with the lifestyle she said would love me. She said she would always support me in anything that I did. She would be at my "gay" wedding. She would be there any time I needed her. Nothing would change our relationship. For the first time in awhile, I felt unconditional love. I didn't feel like a disappointment. Yes, we may disagree on things but we laughed, we hugged, and we sat in silence. Trying to understand where we were both coming from, and we did. It was seriously one of the most amazing nights of my life. This was unconditional love that I saw tonight. I hadn't seen it in awhile. I know that my friends and family love me so much, but I couldn't help but feel like the biggest disappointment to them. For once, I didn't feel like that. I felt completely and totally loved. She told me to keep focused on God and that is what I intend to do. I just can't tell you how much joy I feel right now. Just love. That's all it took. No disappointment. No tears. No sadness. Love. I've never felt so loved before than I had tonight. Just knowing that I have support and unconditional love from someone like that was truly amazing. God knew I needed someone like her. God knew how special she would be to me. She made me love God in such a new way, tonight. I won't stop loving Him. He is amazing and I love how He works! :D AHHHH HES SO AWESOME<----- just gotta brag on my God a little :)

The Greatest Debate of Our Time...

Well I hit the middle of the week with focusing on God and learning a lot! Although a lot of the time I do feel quite broken, I know that God is with me every step of this journey. I've done a little bit of research but most of all I have been listening to God and reading the Bible. I am quite exhausted, actually. I am tired and at the point of tears while writing this. I love everyone in my life so much and the thought of hurting them literally shreds my heart to pieces. I still do not understand this big debate. Is homosexuality ok? I still have not been convinced that it is not okay, however I am questioning it a lot more! I can see many great arguments for both sides of the debate. Seeing my parents so...well...sad, about me breaks my heart even more. Although I have not officially come out, it seems that way while I'm home. My parents try to hide any ounce of sadness or worry they have about me and keep a smile on their face, but I can see past every fake smile. Am I ever going to be convinced that this is wrong? I don't know. I will continue to trust and love God with everything that I have and I will trust what He tells me to be true! Some people have told me, "It's clear, just look at the Bible" What? No. That's not quite how it works. We have to go back to the beginning and look at the context. I will not fight with them, because it is easy for them to believe and be convinced and I think that's awesome for them! I will respect anyone who thinks it's wrong because there are great arguments for it and I understand! Although I wished everyone thought differently, it won't happen and I know that. It pains me a little more, but it's only fair for me to respect them and move on. So maybe I am confused, maybe I'm clueless, and maybe I don't have anything put together. One thing I do know is that I love my God. I know He will come through and if He gets me to think differently about this, I think that's great! I don't want to go against Him. I really don't. I love Him and chose to follow Him, therefore, whatever happens...happens. Prayers, again, are very welcome!

The Journey Thus Far...

I kind of wanted to blog about what's happened so far. Well I had my last counseling session...well kind of. unless I need to go back. I felt like I was in a good place and my counselor thought the same. I finally felt free, happy, joyful. My behaviors were finally matching up to my actions...as my counselor would say to me. This had been really great! I thought life was going so well until...Thursday morning hit. I met my best friend for breakfast. I sat across the table as I watched her literally start to bawl. Something inside of me completely broke. I lost it. She was upset that I was making the wrong decision because at this point I have been thinking that homosexuality is okay. I guess it took tears to literally shatter everything inside of me. So much changed that day. More than she knew. I took a me day...didn't go to any meals and literally stayed in my room the whole day. I prayed, journaled, and just talked to God. I felt depression slowly creeping over me. All day, I felt this shadow over me. I didn't know what to do. I was at a loss. I picked up scissors...and headed directly for my wrists when my mom called. Completely a God thing. I didn't end up cutting at all. After my mom called me my friend texted me. She asked if I wanted to talk so I went back out to talk to her. Finally the floodgates had opened. I let everything out. So many tears were shed that night. I felt like a disappointment. A disappointment to everyone around me. Everyone has been so worried about me. I just sat and cried with my friend for about an hour or so. Muttering words here and there...Nothing was clear for me. I felt like every time I talked to my friend I some how thought I had to fight this thing...because I wanted to fight it for her! I wanted her to be proud! I wanted everyone to be proud of me. But at this point...I knew that no one was. I was the biggest disappointment ever. I am past that, however. So I said I would fight it. Again, I just wanted everyone happy and proud of me...but I got back to my room and knew that's not what I felt. I felt even worse than I had before. So I texted my friend once again...saying I couldn't do it. I know everyone thinks I am "choosing something" Like being gay is a choice. I know that no one agrees with what I think. And it's hard. Honestly I want to not go into that "lifestyle" just so people don't hate me. But that is the only thing that I feel like is keeping me back. I love everyone so much and I just want to please them, but I just don't know if I can. After I had got back to my room that night I broke even more...it was not a pretty site. I went and talked to one of my favorite people on my hall! He is an awesome brother in Christ that I love so much! He just really encouraged me to take spring break and put away my distractions. He told me to focus on what God wanted for my life. And that is what I am doing. I have put away all my distractions and I am trusting God with everything that I have! I am scared to death, but I am trusting Him. I don't know if He will change my view on homosexuality or anything, but I am going to be in His word a lot this week and just listening to Him. I am going to be open to what He has to tell me! It may be hard, but I know this will be good for me! Prayers are welcomed! :)

Falling In Love

The title explains it all. I am falling in love. With whom, you may ask? That is a good question ;) I have really been trying to place my focus where it should be. And that's on God. He is the first and foremost in my life. This week has been amazing! :) My friend said she really wanted to get into the Bible more and wanted me to keep her accountable for it and checking in on how pure our thoughts have been daily. So we did it together. She has been an amazing influence on my life and has loved me and supported me through everything I have gone through! I couldn't thank God enough for her! Beyond blessed! But anyways, this week something has changed inside of me. Especially this morning. I feel so much joy in my life right now that no one could take that away from me. I feel honestly...like a little middle school girl when it comes to how I feel about God. You know how those girls get so hooked on a guy and they are so happy and giddy? Yeah I kind of feel that way about God right now. I feel so happy and thankful that I have someone who is my protector and provider! He is constantly looking out for me. He has given me so much more than my heart has desired. I love Him beyond anything. I just feel so happy to know Him! I finally feel like I am falling in love with Him and I am so grateful!! I feel like this is how we are to be as Christians! Giving everything that we have and loving Him with all of ourselves. AHHHH I just can't really explain exactly how I feel right now! Just beyond blessed and loved. I am just elated to have a relationship with the very creator of everything! I hope anyone who reads this may find the same joy and love that I have!