20 Degrees of Grief

Its been 5 weeks. 5 weeks of grandma being gone. I wish I could say its been easier, but it seems to be getting even harder. I wish I could say that everything is smoothing out but it isn't. I love my family to bits and pieces. There are 20 of us. Each of us have a different way of grieving. Some ways have led to some poor decisions and has affected the rest of us. People aren't talking to each other, some of us are mad, some are frustrated. Some try to ignore all they can, the fact that she's gone. It just keeps getting harder. I'm trying so hard to step back and look at how every person feels. I am trying so hard to love ever person even when it gets difficult. All I know is that grandma wouldn't have wanted any of this. My mom, being the older sibling has taken the weight of the family on. She's trying her best to keep everyone together but it seems like everyone is falling apart. Honestly I just can't help but think of what grandma would do. Amidst the chaos I'm trying so hard to see God. It's SOOOOO hard! Walking into church today, my mom had to get up and speak about grief share, a program my church is starting, and I lost it. I couldn't do it. I ran out of the service bawling. It's just still so surreal for me. One of my greatest friends and influences is completely gone. She's just gone and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. That's what sucks the most! There's no one like her and there never will be and coping with that fact is so hard. I still miss her each day and the tears don't stop. The only one getting me through this, even remotely, is Christ. Although everything seems absolutely crazy I know He is constant and loving. He is wrapping his arms around us. And this fact is what gets me through. Even when it's so hard to see, I know it's true. As much as I want my grandma here, I know this is all for a reason. It doesn't make it any easier, but its a fact that I have to find an answer for. This is so hard and I yearn for God to get this family through this! We have to, and I know we will...but it's going to take a lot of time. Nothing will ever be the same without her. As upset I am without her here, I know that heaven is beyond lucky to have her! I can't wait to see you gram! I miss you so much and I love you! See you soon! Until then, I will try, with everything in me, to pass on your amazing legacy! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!