Life Is Precious

I haven't blogged in awhile...it's been quite the summer. But the last 2 weeks have been from awful, but I have learned so much. I don't really know what to say. My grandma is gone. She finished her race. Honestly...I'm kinda jealous haha. I think when someone says, "my grandma died" it really doesn't have the impact that it did on this family. The relationship with our grandma was...unique. It was so different than well anyone else that I know. My grandma was like one of my best friends. She wasn't just my grandma. She was a mom, teacher, counselor, lover, and Christ-follower. She loved like no one else I knew. There was never a time that I didn't want to talk to her. There was something about my grandma that made me honest. I couldn't really ever be in pain or in any kind of sadness around her. I just felt loved in her presence. I felt so much love that I was happy, no matter what was going on in my life. My grandma was such a beautiful and precious gift. She would always tell me that I could tell her anything and she wouldn't tell my mom haha. So she basically kept a lot of my secrets. I couldn't really be dishonest with her, either. She knew if I was ever lying. Sometimes I felt closer to my grandma than anyone else in our family. I miss her like hell. I am doing okay. I just have a lot of questions. Why? Why her? Why didn't God choose to save her? What would He just take her away? She mean the most to us and He just took her...Why death...instead of life? The pastor stood up at my grandmas funeral and said, "why does death occur when God never invented it...when He actually created life, not death?" And he just said...there was no answer. This is something that constantly goes through my mind. Within the week and 1 day that she's been gone, I have had periods where I can barely breathe...where I can barely stand, and where I burst into "buckets of tears" as grandma would say. She was seriously the best person that I knew. I want to be exactly like her! I just remember how she would find something good in every single person. It didn't matter if someone seemed creepy or someone was rude, she only had good to say about them. I never remember her putting down anyone. She kept her family close and God closer. Those were what she was passionate about. God and Family. She asked, in the hospital, if we were all together...my aunt said yes. My grandma just looked at us and said, "that's exactly how it should always be." One of the last things grandma said to me was that she loved me "so much" because she always had to add that and make sure we knew how much she loved us! She never stopped caring for each and every one of us. I hugged her and said my goodbye with tears streaming down my face. She looked into my eyes with those beautiful, big eyes and said, "Cameron, I will be waiting for you, ok?" "Okay grandma" and I left. The next time I saw her, she was in a deep sleep. The night before her passing we stayed with her and sang, talked, and laughed a little with her. She never woke up. We prayed, prayed, and prayed more but she never woke up from the awful nightmare. The morning of her death was the most horrific day of our lives. Things happened that I can barely talk about. I never want any family to have to deal what we had to. She was so beautiful and so perfect...and I just can't get the way she left out of my head. It was so hard. A few days passed of mourning and grief and our family all walked in together to view my grandma for the first time since the passing. She looked stunning. The way she had looked so sick and in so much pain...it wasn't like that anymore. She looked at peace. This did bring some peace to our hearts but the pain hasn't stopped. I just feel like something is missing. And it is. I feel an emptiness and a pain that cant be filled without her. I know it will get better but will take time. Grandma was always putting a positive spin on everything...including death. I don't really know how she did it, but she did. That's what were trying to do. Although the pain is real and extremely harsh...were trying. Were trying to carry the big torch that she did. I just aim to be the person that my grandma would be proud of. I have learned so many things from this. I know that she wanted us to focus on God and everything else will fall into place. It is so hard not to be mad because I just want to be wrapped in her arms and hear her say she loves me once more...but I won't give up. I will fight. I will fight to be what my grandma wanted me to be! I love her so much. I just went through a break up which has been good for me. I think it's time to focus and God and I again. I push Him away a lot in my life and I know that's not what grandma would do and she would want me to focus on Him. A relationship wasn't helping that, and I knew that. I have to adjust a lot of things in my life because I just realize how precious this beautiful life, we have, is. I don't ever want to take it for granted and I have done that for too long! I just want to die the way grandma did. She died empty. She used every single thing that she had. Every gift and talent. She didn't take life for granted. She lived it to its fullest. She loved like there was no tomorrow. This...this is exactly how I want to live. So, grandma, I will live to my fullest. I will love to my fullest. I love and miss you beyond words can even say. I cannot wait until I see you again! I can't wait to be wrapped in your arms again. I love you so much grandma.