Just because you're famous doesn't mean you aren't a person.

I was talking with a friend yesterday and we were talking about Justin Bieber. It was interesting because he said, "he's such an awful person." Something smacked me in the face when those words were said. I was like wait a minute...he's just like us. There is no difference. He made bad decisions...but so have I! None of us are any better than anyone. I was like WHAT?! He isn't a bad person...he's a person as we all are. A depraved human who makes mistakes all the time...like all of us! The only difference is that his mistakes are blown up on the TV for everyone to see and online everywhere. Honestly, I think that's awful. The same goes with Miley Cyrus. Yes she makes mistakes, once again, as we ALL do. There is no difference here. Yes, as a person who is constantly in the spotlight, you do need to be careful about the decisions you are making because so many see it and are looking to you as a role model. But this doesn't mean we are free of mistakes! No one is. Were equally depraved. Just so interesting to me that just because we see it on the TV it makes it so much worse when in fact we go and do the same thing later on, but because it isn't blown up it isn't as bad as them. NO! A sin is a sin period. No one here is free of sin. I just encourage everyone to be careful what you say about anyone around you because no one is free of mistakes. Try to remember that when you see a famous person make a mistake! Have a grand day! :)

What's Life?

Life...is such a perplexing thing. It's full of questions. I have so many questions for God about why and how things happen. We want answers right?! This is something I have always struggled with. Just be clear with things am I right? My theology class has been so interesting! We talked a little bit about how God is a mysterious God! There are so many questions and things that we are so curious about but we will never know until we see Him face to face. I think that it's definitely okay to question. We're all going to go through things and wonder why that happened and it may make us question our whole life, but I've learned that it's okay. We don't have all the answers, but we don't need them! I think that if we had that knowledge we would probably implode. We wouldn't be able to handle it because we are finite and God is infinite! He isn't bound by these worldly things that we are bound by. I had an awesome conversation with a great friend and we discussed all these mysteries about the after life. It was so interesting to discuss different opinions about things but at the end of it we were both like this is cool but we don't know! We don't need to know. It's most important to rely on God and your relationship with Him. This is what needs the most focus! We can discuss all of these things but they aren't what's important. WE DONT NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING! Focus on God. If you need clarity from Him about something I believe that He will eventually give it to you, but it's most important to stay focused on Him. I know that I can get so caught up in getting answers and wanting to know what I WANT. Which is extremely selfish. Obviously if it hasn't been clear to me then there's probably a reason. God wants us to focus on Him and rely on Him for everything and as we do that everything else will fall into place. Just some thoughts I've had! Have a grand day, anyone who may be reading this! :)

20 Degrees of Grief

Its been 5 weeks. 5 weeks of grandma being gone. I wish I could say its been easier, but it seems to be getting even harder. I wish I could say that everything is smoothing out but it isn't. I love my family to bits and pieces. There are 20 of us. Each of us have a different way of grieving. Some ways have led to some poor decisions and has affected the rest of us. People aren't talking to each other, some of us are mad, some are frustrated. Some try to ignore all they can, the fact that she's gone. It just keeps getting harder. I'm trying so hard to step back and look at how every person feels. I am trying so hard to love ever person even when it gets difficult. All I know is that grandma wouldn't have wanted any of this. My mom, being the older sibling has taken the weight of the family on. She's trying her best to keep everyone together but it seems like everyone is falling apart. Honestly I just can't help but think of what grandma would do. Amidst the chaos I'm trying so hard to see God. It's SOOOOO hard! Walking into church today, my mom had to get up and speak about grief share, a program my church is starting, and I lost it. I couldn't do it. I ran out of the service bawling. It's just still so surreal for me. One of my greatest friends and influences is completely gone. She's just gone and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. That's what sucks the most! There's no one like her and there never will be and coping with that fact is so hard. I still miss her each day and the tears don't stop. The only one getting me through this, even remotely, is Christ. Although everything seems absolutely crazy I know He is constant and loving. He is wrapping his arms around us. And this fact is what gets me through. Even when it's so hard to see, I know it's true. As much as I want my grandma here, I know this is all for a reason. It doesn't make it any easier, but its a fact that I have to find an answer for. This is so hard and I yearn for God to get this family through this! We have to, and I know we will...but it's going to take a lot of time. Nothing will ever be the same without her. As upset I am without her here, I know that heaven is beyond lucky to have her! I can't wait to see you gram! I miss you so much and I love you! See you soon! Until then, I will try, with everything in me, to pass on your amazing legacy! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Life Is Precious

I haven't blogged in awhile...it's been quite the summer. But the last 2 weeks have been from awful, but I have learned so much. I don't really know what to say. My grandma is gone. She finished her race. Honestly...I'm kinda jealous haha. I think when someone says, "my grandma died" it really doesn't have the impact that it did on this family. The relationship with our grandma was...unique. It was so different than well anyone else that I know. My grandma was like one of my best friends. She wasn't just my grandma. She was a mom, teacher, counselor, lover, and Christ-follower. She loved like no one else I knew. There was never a time that I didn't want to talk to her. There was something about my grandma that made me honest. I couldn't really ever be in pain or in any kind of sadness around her. I just felt loved in her presence. I felt so much love that I was happy, no matter what was going on in my life. My grandma was such a beautiful and precious gift. She would always tell me that I could tell her anything and she wouldn't tell my mom haha. So she basically kept a lot of my secrets. I couldn't really be dishonest with her, either. She knew if I was ever lying. Sometimes I felt closer to my grandma than anyone else in our family. I miss her like hell. I am doing okay. I just have a lot of questions. Why? Why her? Why didn't God choose to save her? What would He just take her away? She mean the most to us and He just took her...Why death...instead of life? The pastor stood up at my grandmas funeral and said, "why does death occur when God never invented it...when He actually created life, not death?" And he just said...there was no answer. This is something that constantly goes through my mind. Within the week and 1 day that she's been gone, I have had periods where I can barely breathe...where I can barely stand, and where I burst into "buckets of tears" as grandma would say. She was seriously the best person that I knew. I want to be exactly like her! I just remember how she would find something good in every single person. It didn't matter if someone seemed creepy or someone was rude, she only had good to say about them. I never remember her putting down anyone. She kept her family close and God closer. Those were what she was passionate about. God and Family. She asked, in the hospital, if we were all together...my aunt said yes. My grandma just looked at us and said, "that's exactly how it should always be." One of the last things grandma said to me was that she loved me "so much" because she always had to add that and make sure we knew how much she loved us! She never stopped caring for each and every one of us. I hugged her and said my goodbye with tears streaming down my face. She looked into my eyes with those beautiful, big eyes and said, "Cameron, I will be waiting for you, ok?" "Okay grandma" and I left. The next time I saw her, she was in a deep sleep. The night before her passing we stayed with her and sang, talked, and laughed a little with her. She never woke up. We prayed, prayed, and prayed more but she never woke up from the awful nightmare. The morning of her death was the most horrific day of our lives. Things happened that I can barely talk about. I never want any family to have to deal what we had to. She was so beautiful and so perfect...and I just can't get the way she left out of my head. It was so hard. A few days passed of mourning and grief and our family all walked in together to view my grandma for the first time since the passing. She looked stunning. The way she had looked so sick and in so much pain...it wasn't like that anymore. She looked at peace. This did bring some peace to our hearts but the pain hasn't stopped. I just feel like something is missing. And it is. I feel an emptiness and a pain that cant be filled without her. I know it will get better but will take time. Grandma was always putting a positive spin on everything...including death. I don't really know how she did it, but she did. That's what were trying to do. Although the pain is real and extremely harsh...were trying. Were trying to carry the big torch that she did. I just aim to be the person that my grandma would be proud of. I have learned so many things from this. I know that she wanted us to focus on God and everything else will fall into place. It is so hard not to be mad because I just want to be wrapped in her arms and hear her say she loves me once more...but I won't give up. I will fight. I will fight to be what my grandma wanted me to be! I love her so much. I just went through a break up which has been good for me. I think it's time to focus and God and I again. I push Him away a lot in my life and I know that's not what grandma would do and she would want me to focus on Him. A relationship wasn't helping that, and I knew that. I have to adjust a lot of things in my life because I just realize how precious this beautiful life, we have, is. I don't ever want to take it for granted and I have done that for too long! I just want to die the way grandma did. She died empty. She used every single thing that she had. Every gift and talent. She didn't take life for granted. She lived it to its fullest. She loved like there was no tomorrow. This...this is exactly how I want to live. So, grandma, I will live to my fullest. I will love to my fullest. I love and miss you beyond words can even say. I cannot wait until I see you again! I can't wait to be wrapped in your arms again. I love you so much grandma.

Free to be me! :)

I was sitting in the car earlier with a couple friends and this song came on! I thought it was perfect and almost starting crying. After so much struggle and confusion, I finally do feel like I am free! I am free to be who I am! I am free in Christ! He made me exactly how He wanted to and I could not be happier! These are the things I have been learning about my amazing Father who set me free. I recently have had friends leave my life but new have come into my life. Although it's painful and hurts, God really does work everything out for His good and I trust Him completely. I love my Savior and I know that He has a reason for everything. Coming out may have been the hardest thing I have done but...it's already been so much better! Of course it's hard but I have my Savior helping me every step of the way! He really spoke to me the other day after my friends left my life...He just said, "you must show love." These are words that were so clear to me. I have made many mistakes with these friends and no I have not been a good friend to them. I did not try...too many times and the result is...they left. It has definitely been a slap in my face. I had so much anger against them but God told me that and I must obey Him. I have felt His genuine joy the past couple days because I have let go of that anger! I have given it to Him. I have to love them. I made mistakes and I respect their decisions of stepping back. I also need support that they can't give me, so I really do understand. I have changed and they have also. We really have grown apart. I guess this really is part of life that my parents warned me about. It is hard to let go of friends, but sometimes we have to. Sometimes it really is for the best. Again, I know that everything works out for His good! Even though it doesn't seem like that at times, it is definitely truth that I believe with all my heart. I just also want to give a shout out to any gay Christians. I understand the pain and hurt that you go through! IT LITERALLY SUCKS. I have actually recently talked to a few gay Christians who have been an awesome encouragement! They went through a lot of what I have been going through. They just told me to keep my eyes on God and it will get better. I also can understand why so many people are scared to come out. Scared because of reactions and people rejecting you and they definitely will. I know first hand that it will happen. It will get better, however you must keep God first. You must seek after Him like He's everything you want. He is the one who will fulfill you! Being gay... it will not fulfill you! Being gay is just part of your life...it is not an identity! SO DO NOT TREAT IT LIKE THAT! That is not where you should find you're identity. Many people will say that it is a choice, but an orientation is not a choice. I recently talked with a friend who is straight and she thinks it is wrong and a choice. So I asked if being straight is a choice. And she told me that she will say everyday that being straight is a choice! So if straight people say they made a choice to be straight, then yes, we made a choice to be gay. However, you're orientation is an orientation. Nothing else. It doesn't define who you are or what you do! So don't let it. You must look to God for you're identity, because that is where it is. It isn't in anything of this world. And that is why being a gay Christian is hard! Because people will think that you are embracing sin and maybe you are. I think it's all in where you find you're identity, because if this is what's most important to you and what defines you then, yes, that is indeed sin. That is not how we as Christians are supposed to live. I just encourage everyone to see where you're priorities lie. But also...it will get better. For anyone who may be gay I just want to let you know that you will be ok. It sucks and seems like it would be better to end it all, but don't. Please don't. I have read too many statistics on LGBT suicide rates. It is scary high and terrifies me. I didn't really understand it until recently. IT IS SO HARD AND I UNDERSTAND! Because of people, it is so easy to get caught up in just ending it all. I know exactly where you may be. I just encourage you to keep going. Just remember that God does INDEED love and care for you. You have a purpose! DO NOT LISTEN TO PEOPLE! They will tear you down and it will rip you apart inside, but at the end of the day who's opinion matters? God's. That's all. Not people's. I just encourage you to keep striving and pushing forward. It will get better. And I love you guys with all of my heart. My heart breaks for those of you who have these feelings, but I love you so much. I have been there. I know how hard this is. But we will get through it. We can endure with God.

This wasn't a choice!

"This is a choice" is a phrase I hear Christians throw at the LGBT community way too much. My question is WHY THE HELL WOULD I CHOOSE THIS!?!?!  Because I really want to be part of a community that is constantly bullied and is a minority. I honestly have no clue where people get that this is a choice. It really pisses me off when I hear someone say that I chose this. Also...when did you decide to be straight? That's the real question here. If I made the choice to be gay...then you definitely made the choice to be straight. Doesn't make sense? I didn't think so either. I was reading through some different blogs today and I found one that was all about the reaction of a Christian mom to her son being gay. It almost brought tears to my eyes. She talked about how the very first thing she had to tell her son was that she loved him. She loved him and God loved him. As she went on, she talked about this being a choice. She talked with her son about it and the way he talked about she knew that it was not a choice that was made. She could see that. She went on to discuss basically what I am saying, which is why would you choose to be part of a minority that does not have rights and is constantly targeted by society. Going through this coming out process has been rough because I really am losing hope in Christians as I see how they react to this. I think they COMPLETELY go about this the wrong way. However, I see certain people who are doing right and love me despite anything. It is through these very few people that I actually do see Christ! It is through this blog that I saw Christ!! Finally some people are trying to understand. She also does state in her blog that no one can clearly understand or get what homosexuals are saying unless they deal with it! PREACH! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING!!! Yes you can listen and understand to a certain point, but unless you go through this...you never truly understand. This was not a choice that I made. This is part me. And another thing. Do not compare this to being an alcoholic or drug user. I have heard these things which piss me off. That apparently they think that's just part of them. I really think that's something entirely different. I really am trying to show God's love but it is so hard when I live around people who are not doing the same.

The Lord Speaks

I was reminded, today, of love. My friend came and told me a lot of information about her and things that she remembered that had never come up before. She is going through a lot. What did I do? Silence...I had nothing to say because I was broken. Broken by everything she was going through. I hate having nothing to say but I guess that's the best some times. I was then told that our relationship could never be the same. Obviously to some degree this hurt, but I wasn't angry. She quoted the verse 1 Corinthians 5:11 for me which says, "But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister^[a] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people." This is very interesting to me because yes, she considers the fact that I am gay as being a sexually immoral sin. I guess this is where we differ on what we believe in. I definitely don't see it that way, but she does. I realized something through this. I feel like it was definitely something God was telling me and it was kinda shocking to me. I never said too much after she said that. I didn't quite have words to speak. I talked to my boyfriend about all of this. I knew he would be really angry... He just wants me to be okay and everyone to be happy for me, but I know that won't happen which is fine. I guess we talked through it and it God was really telling me something through this. He said, "Cameron...you have to show the love that you want to be shown." This was crazy. He slapped me across the face. Yes, I have made this decision and no, no one agrees with it, but you know what? That's okay. I love every one of them. I have to respect where they stand and if that means they have to back off from a friendship with me...it will hurt but that's ok. I will love them. There is no reason for me to be angry here. I have to respect and love every single family and friend who disagrees. This is what God was telling me. I just think it's crazy. I guess I have been kind of selfish here because I do feel like I keep asking people to understand and just love me...when I have to do the same thing!!! I need to understand where they are coming from and love them no matter what they say  to me or do to me. I love them and will never stop loving them.