Just because you're famous doesn't mean you aren't a person.

I was talking with a friend yesterday and we were talking about Justin Bieber. It was interesting because he said, "he's such an awful person." Something smacked me in the face when those words were said. I was like wait a minute...he's just like us. There is no difference. He made bad decisions...but so have I! None of us are any better than anyone. I was like WHAT?! He isn't a bad person...he's a person as we all are. A depraved human who makes mistakes all the time...like all of us! The only difference is that his mistakes are blown up on the TV for everyone to see and online everywhere. Honestly, I think that's awful. The same goes with Miley Cyrus. Yes she makes mistakes, once again, as we ALL do. There is no difference here. Yes, as a person who is constantly in the spotlight, you do need to be careful about the decisions you are making because so many see it and are looking to you as a role model. But this doesn't mean we are free of mistakes! No one is. Were equally depraved. Just so interesting to me that just because we see it on the TV it makes it so much worse when in fact we go and do the same thing later on, but because it isn't blown up it isn't as bad as them. NO! A sin is a sin period. No one here is free of sin. I just encourage everyone to be careful what you say about anyone around you because no one is free of mistakes. Try to remember that when you see a famous person make a mistake! Have a grand day! :)

What's Life?

Life...is such a perplexing thing. It's full of questions. I have so many questions for God about why and how things happen. We want answers right?! This is something I have always struggled with. Just be clear with things am I right? My theology class has been so interesting! We talked a little bit about how God is a mysterious God! There are so many questions and things that we are so curious about but we will never know until we see Him face to face. I think that it's definitely okay to question. We're all going to go through things and wonder why that happened and it may make us question our whole life, but I've learned that it's okay. We don't have all the answers, but we don't need them! I think that if we had that knowledge we would probably implode. We wouldn't be able to handle it because we are finite and God is infinite! He isn't bound by these worldly things that we are bound by. I had an awesome conversation with a great friend and we discussed all these mysteries about the after life. It was so interesting to discuss different opinions about things but at the end of it we were both like this is cool but we don't know! We don't need to know. It's most important to rely on God and your relationship with Him. This is what needs the most focus! We can discuss all of these things but they aren't what's important. WE DONT NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING! Focus on God. If you need clarity from Him about something I believe that He will eventually give it to you, but it's most important to stay focused on Him. I know that I can get so caught up in getting answers and wanting to know what I WANT. Which is extremely selfish. Obviously if it hasn't been clear to me then there's probably a reason. God wants us to focus on Him and rely on Him for everything and as we do that everything else will fall into place. Just some thoughts I've had! Have a grand day, anyone who may be reading this! :)

20 Degrees of Grief

Its been 5 weeks. 5 weeks of grandma being gone. I wish I could say its been easier, but it seems to be getting even harder. I wish I could say that everything is smoothing out but it isn't. I love my family to bits and pieces. There are 20 of us. Each of us have a different way of grieving. Some ways have led to some poor decisions and has affected the rest of us. People aren't talking to each other, some of us are mad, some are frustrated. Some try to ignore all they can, the fact that she's gone. It just keeps getting harder. I'm trying so hard to step back and look at how every person feels. I am trying so hard to love ever person even when it gets difficult. All I know is that grandma wouldn't have wanted any of this. My mom, being the older sibling has taken the weight of the family on. She's trying her best to keep everyone together but it seems like everyone is falling apart. Honestly I just can't help but think of what grandma would do. Amidst the chaos I'm trying so hard to see God. It's SOOOOO hard! Walking into church today, my mom had to get up and speak about grief share, a program my church is starting, and I lost it. I couldn't do it. I ran out of the service bawling. It's just still so surreal for me. One of my greatest friends and influences is completely gone. She's just gone and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. That's what sucks the most! There's no one like her and there never will be and coping with that fact is so hard. I still miss her each day and the tears don't stop. The only one getting me through this, even remotely, is Christ. Although everything seems absolutely crazy I know He is constant and loving. He is wrapping his arms around us. And this fact is what gets me through. Even when it's so hard to see, I know it's true. As much as I want my grandma here, I know this is all for a reason. It doesn't make it any easier, but its a fact that I have to find an answer for. This is so hard and I yearn for God to get this family through this! We have to, and I know we will...but it's going to take a lot of time. Nothing will ever be the same without her. As upset I am without her here, I know that heaven is beyond lucky to have her! I can't wait to see you gram! I miss you so much and I love you! See you soon! Until then, I will try, with everything in me, to pass on your amazing legacy! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Life Is Precious

I haven't blogged in awhile...it's been quite the summer. But the last 2 weeks have been from awful, but I have learned so much. I don't really know what to say. My grandma is gone. She finished her race. Honestly...I'm kinda jealous haha. I think when someone says, "my grandma died" it really doesn't have the impact that it did on this family. The relationship with our grandma was...unique. It was so different than well anyone else that I know. My grandma was like one of my best friends. She wasn't just my grandma. She was a mom, teacher, counselor, lover, and Christ-follower. She loved like no one else I knew. There was never a time that I didn't want to talk to her. There was something about my grandma that made me honest. I couldn't really ever be in pain or in any kind of sadness around her. I just felt loved in her presence. I felt so much love that I was happy, no matter what was going on in my life. My grandma was such a beautiful and precious gift. She would always tell me that I could tell her anything and she wouldn't tell my mom haha. So she basically kept a lot of my secrets. I couldn't really be dishonest with her, either. She knew if I was ever lying. Sometimes I felt closer to my grandma than anyone else in our family. I miss her like hell. I am doing okay. I just have a lot of questions. Why? Why her? Why didn't God choose to save her? What would He just take her away? She mean the most to us and He just took her...Why death...instead of life? The pastor stood up at my grandmas funeral and said, "why does death occur when God never invented it...when He actually created life, not death?" And he just said...there was no answer. This is something that constantly goes through my mind. Within the week and 1 day that she's been gone, I have had periods where I can barely breathe...where I can barely stand, and where I burst into "buckets of tears" as grandma would say. She was seriously the best person that I knew. I want to be exactly like her! I just remember how she would find something good in every single person. It didn't matter if someone seemed creepy or someone was rude, she only had good to say about them. I never remember her putting down anyone. She kept her family close and God closer. Those were what she was passionate about. God and Family. She asked, in the hospital, if we were all together...my aunt said yes. My grandma just looked at us and said, "that's exactly how it should always be." One of the last things grandma said to me was that she loved me "so much" because she always had to add that and make sure we knew how much she loved us! She never stopped caring for each and every one of us. I hugged her and said my goodbye with tears streaming down my face. She looked into my eyes with those beautiful, big eyes and said, "Cameron, I will be waiting for you, ok?" "Okay grandma" and I left. The next time I saw her, she was in a deep sleep. The night before her passing we stayed with her and sang, talked, and laughed a little with her. She never woke up. We prayed, prayed, and prayed more but she never woke up from the awful nightmare. The morning of her death was the most horrific day of our lives. Things happened that I can barely talk about. I never want any family to have to deal what we had to. She was so beautiful and so perfect...and I just can't get the way she left out of my head. It was so hard. A few days passed of mourning and grief and our family all walked in together to view my grandma for the first time since the passing. She looked stunning. The way she had looked so sick and in so much pain...it wasn't like that anymore. She looked at peace. This did bring some peace to our hearts but the pain hasn't stopped. I just feel like something is missing. And it is. I feel an emptiness and a pain that cant be filled without her. I know it will get better but will take time. Grandma was always putting a positive spin on everything...including death. I don't really know how she did it, but she did. That's what were trying to do. Although the pain is real and extremely harsh...were trying. Were trying to carry the big torch that she did. I just aim to be the person that my grandma would be proud of. I have learned so many things from this. I know that she wanted us to focus on God and everything else will fall into place. It is so hard not to be mad because I just want to be wrapped in her arms and hear her say she loves me once more...but I won't give up. I will fight. I will fight to be what my grandma wanted me to be! I love her so much. I just went through a break up which has been good for me. I think it's time to focus and God and I again. I push Him away a lot in my life and I know that's not what grandma would do and she would want me to focus on Him. A relationship wasn't helping that, and I knew that. I have to adjust a lot of things in my life because I just realize how precious this beautiful life, we have, is. I don't ever want to take it for granted and I have done that for too long! I just want to die the way grandma did. She died empty. She used every single thing that she had. Every gift and talent. She didn't take life for granted. She lived it to its fullest. She loved like there was no tomorrow. This...this is exactly how I want to live. So, grandma, I will live to my fullest. I will love to my fullest. I love and miss you beyond words can even say. I cannot wait until I see you again! I can't wait to be wrapped in your arms again. I love you so much grandma.

Free to be me! :)

I was sitting in the car earlier with a couple friends and this song came on! I thought it was perfect and almost starting crying. After so much struggle and confusion, I finally do feel like I am free! I am free to be who I am! I am free in Christ! He made me exactly how He wanted to and I could not be happier! These are the things I have been learning about my amazing Father who set me free. I recently have had friends leave my life but new have come into my life. Although it's painful and hurts, God really does work everything out for His good and I trust Him completely. I love my Savior and I know that He has a reason for everything. Coming out may have been the hardest thing I have done but...it's already been so much better! Of course it's hard but I have my Savior helping me every step of the way! He really spoke to me the other day after my friends left my life...He just said, "you must show love." These are words that were so clear to me. I have made many mistakes with these friends and no I have not been a good friend to them. I did not try...too many times and the result is...they left. It has definitely been a slap in my face. I had so much anger against them but God told me that and I must obey Him. I have felt His genuine joy the past couple days because I have let go of that anger! I have given it to Him. I have to love them. I made mistakes and I respect their decisions of stepping back. I also need support that they can't give me, so I really do understand. I have changed and they have also. We really have grown apart. I guess this really is part of life that my parents warned me about. It is hard to let go of friends, but sometimes we have to. Sometimes it really is for the best. Again, I know that everything works out for His good! Even though it doesn't seem like that at times, it is definitely truth that I believe with all my heart. I just also want to give a shout out to any gay Christians. I understand the pain and hurt that you go through! IT LITERALLY SUCKS. I have actually recently talked to a few gay Christians who have been an awesome encouragement! They went through a lot of what I have been going through. They just told me to keep my eyes on God and it will get better. I also can understand why so many people are scared to come out. Scared because of reactions and people rejecting you and they definitely will. I know first hand that it will happen. It will get better, however you must keep God first. You must seek after Him like He's everything you want. He is the one who will fulfill you! Being gay... it will not fulfill you! Being gay is just part of your life...it is not an identity! SO DO NOT TREAT IT LIKE THAT! That is not where you should find you're identity. Many people will say that it is a choice, but an orientation is not a choice. I recently talked with a friend who is straight and she thinks it is wrong and a choice. So I asked if being straight is a choice. And she told me that she will say everyday that being straight is a choice! So if straight people say they made a choice to be straight, then yes, we made a choice to be gay. However, you're orientation is an orientation. Nothing else. It doesn't define who you are or what you do! So don't let it. You must look to God for you're identity, because that is where it is. It isn't in anything of this world. And that is why being a gay Christian is hard! Because people will think that you are embracing sin and maybe you are. I think it's all in where you find you're identity, because if this is what's most important to you and what defines you then, yes, that is indeed sin. That is not how we as Christians are supposed to live. I just encourage everyone to see where you're priorities lie. But also...it will get better. For anyone who may be gay I just want to let you know that you will be ok. It sucks and seems like it would be better to end it all, but don't. Please don't. I have read too many statistics on LGBT suicide rates. It is scary high and terrifies me. I didn't really understand it until recently. IT IS SO HARD AND I UNDERSTAND! Because of people, it is so easy to get caught up in just ending it all. I know exactly where you may be. I just encourage you to keep going. Just remember that God does INDEED love and care for you. You have a purpose! DO NOT LISTEN TO PEOPLE! They will tear you down and it will rip you apart inside, but at the end of the day who's opinion matters? God's. That's all. Not people's. I just encourage you to keep striving and pushing forward. It will get better. And I love you guys with all of my heart. My heart breaks for those of you who have these feelings, but I love you so much. I have been there. I know how hard this is. But we will get through it. We can endure with God.

This wasn't a choice!

"This is a choice" is a phrase I hear Christians throw at the LGBT community way too much. My question is WHY THE HELL WOULD I CHOOSE THIS!?!?!  Because I really want to be part of a community that is constantly bullied and is a minority. I honestly have no clue where people get that this is a choice. It really pisses me off when I hear someone say that I chose this. Also...when did you decide to be straight? That's the real question here. If I made the choice to be gay...then you definitely made the choice to be straight. Doesn't make sense? I didn't think so either. I was reading through some different blogs today and I found one that was all about the reaction of a Christian mom to her son being gay. It almost brought tears to my eyes. She talked about how the very first thing she had to tell her son was that she loved him. She loved him and God loved him. As she went on, she talked about this being a choice. She talked with her son about it and the way he talked about she knew that it was not a choice that was made. She could see that. She went on to discuss basically what I am saying, which is why would you choose to be part of a minority that does not have rights and is constantly targeted by society. Going through this coming out process has been rough because I really am losing hope in Christians as I see how they react to this. I think they COMPLETELY go about this the wrong way. However, I see certain people who are doing right and love me despite anything. It is through these very few people that I actually do see Christ! It is through this blog that I saw Christ!! Finally some people are trying to understand. She also does state in her blog that no one can clearly understand or get what homosexuals are saying unless they deal with it! PREACH! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING!!! Yes you can listen and understand to a certain point, but unless you go through this...you never truly understand. This was not a choice that I made. This is part me. And another thing. Do not compare this to being an alcoholic or drug user. I have heard these things which piss me off. That apparently they think that's just part of them. I really think that's something entirely different. I really am trying to show God's love but it is so hard when I live around people who are not doing the same.

The Lord Speaks

I was reminded, today, of love. My friend came and told me a lot of information about her and things that she remembered that had never come up before. She is going through a lot. What did I do? Silence...I had nothing to say because I was broken. Broken by everything she was going through. I hate having nothing to say but I guess that's the best some times. I was then told that our relationship could never be the same. Obviously to some degree this hurt, but I wasn't angry. She quoted the verse 1 Corinthians 5:11 for me which says, "But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister^[a] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people." This is very interesting to me because yes, she considers the fact that I am gay as being a sexually immoral sin. I guess this is where we differ on what we believe in. I definitely don't see it that way, but she does. I realized something through this. I feel like it was definitely something God was telling me and it was kinda shocking to me. I never said too much after she said that. I didn't quite have words to speak. I talked to my boyfriend about all of this. I knew he would be really angry... He just wants me to be okay and everyone to be happy for me, but I know that won't happen which is fine. I guess we talked through it and it God was really telling me something through this. He said, "Cameron...you have to show the love that you want to be shown." This was crazy. He slapped me across the face. Yes, I have made this decision and no, no one agrees with it, but you know what? That's okay. I love every one of them. I have to respect where they stand and if that means they have to back off from a friendship with me...it will hurt but that's ok. I will love them. There is no reason for me to be angry here. I have to respect and love every single family and friend who disagrees. This is what God was telling me. I just think it's crazy. I guess I have been kind of selfish here because I do feel like I keep asking people to understand and just love me...when I have to do the same thing!!! I need to understand where they are coming from and love them no matter what they say  to me or do to me. I love them and will never stop loving them.

The pain I am reminded of this Easter

This world makes me so upset some times...and then I remember that this isn't my home. It has been an awesome weekend, however, last week was pretty hellish. I guess you could say I have started my coming out process. My parents have not taken this so well...well no one has really. I do have friends who say they respect me and my decision and love me no matter what and I am beyond grateful for them! I guess what frustrates me the most right now is the church. the judgment. the looking at someone and literally tearing them apart with one disappointing look. These are the things that kill me the most. My dad called me bawling. He said he would have to quit his job. After thinking about this...it pisses me off. IMMENSELY! This very decision that I clearly made here has nothing to do with my father's job. But people would apparently look down on him and judge him so he wouldn't be able to handle it. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?? My question is...what the hell is the church for? BROKEN PEOPLE! So we may disagree on homosexuality which is fine, but if you think it is a sin then you should WANT them at church, right? WRONG. This is not what the American church is about. We have to have things together. We can't welcome those...sinners. When, in all reality, WE ARE ALL FREAKIN SINNERS! I am sorry about getting so heated about this, but I feel like this is something God would be upset about. When Jesus walked the earth...who was he with? THE WORST OF THE WORST. The one's that NO ONE wanted to be around. These are the very people that Christ is attracted to. This is what I am reminded of on this Easter. God has put that passion in my heart. Seek the broken. Welcome them. Love them. This is the very thing...the church is NOT doing. But we certainly are doing an awesome job at judging. I am not saying this is the case for all of Christians! I know there are good hearted people out there that do an awesome job at this, but the Church today...SUCKS. There's nothing else to it. They do. I just want to be welcomed into my own home church without being judged or looked down upon. Now I can't even walk into my house without that happening. I am BEYOND grateful for those churches who do support the LGBT community and accept everyone else into their congregation. This is our job! THIS IS THE VERY THING WE ARE CALLED TO DO! I just had to get this out because this is something that was laid heavy on my heart and mind today. Yes, this subject is extremely close to me because I am a part of this crowd that is seen as the worst of the worst. It's painful and hard being on this side. Not welcomed. Not loved. But, again, I am grateful that they do have churches for us. I just wish it didn't  have to be only a few churches that did that. I hate having to go to a "special" church because I am not welcomed anywhere else. I pray that God would start working in these churches. Joining the LGBT community I see the pain and rejection that these people feel. I read up on so many awful stories of how people in churches treat them. Things need to change in the church and it needs to happen fast.

I'm Struggling

Some may be like what? So, yes, recently I have been fighting with whether homosexuality is wrong or not. This is a huge debate in our culture today which is completely crazy. I guess I feel down. At this point, I don't think its wrong but I have not decided to embrace this lifestyle either. It is not something that I could or would even do right now. However, I am still searching for truth from God. I guess I do feel like a lot of my relationships are kind of falling apart which really does kill me. I love everyone so much, but I feel like I don't receive too much love from them back. I know they love me, I guess I just don't feel it. This is obviously one of the hardest decisions and choices in my life and I just want someone to come up to me and give me a hug. Tell me it's okay. Tell me that you love me. Just embrace me. I don't wanna hear them say its wrong and you should know better. I simply want someone to look at me and say, "I love you." That's all I need right now. This all kind of hit me when I was walking back from dinner tonight right beside one of my friends. Someone who used to be my best friend...until he shut me out. Both having these struggles, I guess I started questioning everything and he didn't. I think that's awesome for him! I really do and I want him to do what he wants! I want him to do what he thinks is right. I just feel like he shut me out of his life. This past week I think maybe I saw him 3 times, unlike the last semester where I would see him at like every meal, we met every week. I just saw him a lot more, but now he doesn't even talk to me. When I need people the most, I feel like i'm being shut out. So I talked to one of my good friends from home the other night. She gave me some great advice. She told me to stop. Stop talking about this issue. This has nothing to do with the people around me. So I'm done. I'm done talking to people about this issue. I really am. The more I talk to my friends and family about it, the more I feel broken. I know some people may think that I am shutting them out, but I really am not. I'm hoping this will help my friendships! This issue is between God and I. Not between me and my friends or family. I love them a lot, but I can't talk to them about this issue anymore. I really hope this helps some issues. I love my friends and family and I just want love back.

Unconditional Love

I met with...probably one of the most amazing people I have in my life, tonight. Not even expecting to even talk about what's truly going on in my life, she asked. She wanted to know how I was doing and how I felt about everything. I told her. I told her how much life sucked. I told her how I just wanted to be gay. I told her I had been talking to an amazing guy. I spilt everything. She literally sat and listened, intently, to what I had to say. Once I had finished she just looked at me and said, "I love you so much." As we talked more about it she just told me that there was nothing I could do that would make her love me any less. She said she loves me unconditionally. Although she does not agree with the lifestyle she said would love me. She said she would always support me in anything that I did. She would be at my "gay" wedding. She would be there any time I needed her. Nothing would change our relationship. For the first time in awhile, I felt unconditional love. I didn't feel like a disappointment. Yes, we may disagree on things but we laughed, we hugged, and we sat in silence. Trying to understand where we were both coming from, and we did. It was seriously one of the most amazing nights of my life. This was unconditional love that I saw tonight. I hadn't seen it in awhile. I know that my friends and family love me so much, but I couldn't help but feel like the biggest disappointment to them. For once, I didn't feel like that. I felt completely and totally loved. She told me to keep focused on God and that is what I intend to do. I just can't tell you how much joy I feel right now. Just love. That's all it took. No disappointment. No tears. No sadness. Love. I've never felt so loved before than I had tonight. Just knowing that I have support and unconditional love from someone like that was truly amazing. God knew I needed someone like her. God knew how special she would be to me. She made me love God in such a new way, tonight. I won't stop loving Him. He is amazing and I love how He works! :D AHHHH HES SO AWESOME<----- just gotta brag on my God a little :)

The Greatest Debate of Our Time...

Well I hit the middle of the week with focusing on God and learning a lot! Although a lot of the time I do feel quite broken, I know that God is with me every step of this journey. I've done a little bit of research but most of all I have been listening to God and reading the Bible. I am quite exhausted, actually. I am tired and at the point of tears while writing this. I love everyone in my life so much and the thought of hurting them literally shreds my heart to pieces. I still do not understand this big debate. Is homosexuality ok? I still have not been convinced that it is not okay, however I am questioning it a lot more! I can see many great arguments for both sides of the debate. Seeing my parents so...well...sad, about me breaks my heart even more. Although I have not officially come out, it seems that way while I'm home. My parents try to hide any ounce of sadness or worry they have about me and keep a smile on their face, but I can see past every fake smile. Am I ever going to be convinced that this is wrong? I don't know. I will continue to trust and love God with everything that I have and I will trust what He tells me to be true! Some people have told me, "It's clear, just look at the Bible" What? No. That's not quite how it works. We have to go back to the beginning and look at the context. I will not fight with them, because it is easy for them to believe and be convinced and I think that's awesome for them! I will respect anyone who thinks it's wrong because there are great arguments for it and I understand! Although I wished everyone thought differently, it won't happen and I know that. It pains me a little more, but it's only fair for me to respect them and move on. So maybe I am confused, maybe I'm clueless, and maybe I don't have anything put together. One thing I do know is that I love my God. I know He will come through and if He gets me to think differently about this, I think that's great! I don't want to go against Him. I really don't. I love Him and chose to follow Him, therefore, whatever happens...happens. Prayers, again, are very welcome!

The Journey Thus Far...

I kind of wanted to blog about what's happened so far. Well I had my last counseling session...well kind of. unless I need to go back. I felt like I was in a good place and my counselor thought the same. I finally felt free, happy, joyful. My behaviors were finally matching up to my actions...as my counselor would say to me. This had been really great! I thought life was going so well until...Thursday morning hit. I met my best friend for breakfast. I sat across the table as I watched her literally start to bawl. Something inside of me completely broke. I lost it. She was upset that I was making the wrong decision because at this point I have been thinking that homosexuality is okay. I guess it took tears to literally shatter everything inside of me. So much changed that day. More than she knew. I took a me day...didn't go to any meals and literally stayed in my room the whole day. I prayed, journaled, and just talked to God. I felt depression slowly creeping over me. All day, I felt this shadow over me. I didn't know what to do. I was at a loss. I picked up scissors...and headed directly for my wrists when my mom called. Completely a God thing. I didn't end up cutting at all. After my mom called me my friend texted me. She asked if I wanted to talk so I went back out to talk to her. Finally the floodgates had opened. I let everything out. So many tears were shed that night. I felt like a disappointment. A disappointment to everyone around me. Everyone has been so worried about me. I just sat and cried with my friend for about an hour or so. Muttering words here and there...Nothing was clear for me. I felt like every time I talked to my friend I some how thought I had to fight this thing...because I wanted to fight it for her! I wanted her to be proud! I wanted everyone to be proud of me. But at this point...I knew that no one was. I was the biggest disappointment ever. I am past that, however. So I said I would fight it. Again, I just wanted everyone happy and proud of me...but I got back to my room and knew that's not what I felt. I felt even worse than I had before. So I texted my friend once again...saying I couldn't do it. I know everyone thinks I am "choosing something" Like being gay is a choice. I know that no one agrees with what I think. And it's hard. Honestly I want to not go into that "lifestyle" just so people don't hate me. But that is the only thing that I feel like is keeping me back. I love everyone so much and I just want to please them, but I just don't know if I can. After I had got back to my room that night I broke even more...it was not a pretty site. I went and talked to one of my favorite people on my hall! He is an awesome brother in Christ that I love so much! He just really encouraged me to take spring break and put away my distractions. He told me to focus on what God wanted for my life. And that is what I am doing. I have put away all my distractions and I am trusting God with everything that I have! I am scared to death, but I am trusting Him. I don't know if He will change my view on homosexuality or anything, but I am going to be in His word a lot this week and just listening to Him. I am going to be open to what He has to tell me! It may be hard, but I know this will be good for me! Prayers are welcomed! :)

Falling In Love

The title explains it all. I am falling in love. With whom, you may ask? That is a good question ;) I have really been trying to place my focus where it should be. And that's on God. He is the first and foremost in my life. This week has been amazing! :) My friend said she really wanted to get into the Bible more and wanted me to keep her accountable for it and checking in on how pure our thoughts have been daily. So we did it together. She has been an amazing influence on my life and has loved me and supported me through everything I have gone through! I couldn't thank God enough for her! Beyond blessed! But anyways, this week something has changed inside of me. Especially this morning. I feel so much joy in my life right now that no one could take that away from me. I feel honestly...like a little middle school girl when it comes to how I feel about God. You know how those girls get so hooked on a guy and they are so happy and giddy? Yeah I kind of feel that way about God right now. I feel so happy and thankful that I have someone who is my protector and provider! He is constantly looking out for me. He has given me so much more than my heart has desired. I love Him beyond anything. I just feel so happy to know Him! I finally feel like I am falling in love with Him and I am so grateful!! I feel like this is how we are to be as Christians! Giving everything that we have and loving Him with all of ourselves. AHHHH I just can't really explain exactly how I feel right now! Just beyond blessed and loved. I am just elated to have a relationship with the very creator of everything! I hope anyone who reads this may find the same joy and love that I have!

Independence

These last couple weeks have been...a rollercoaster to say the least, but after a lot of struggle and pain that I went through, I have come to a conclusion. It hit me while I was sitting on the couch in my counselor's office. Now, as I kind of touched base on in my last blog, I was basically trying to decide what the answer was when it came to Christianity and homosexuality. I was beyond confused because I could not find an answer!! Why was I even searching in the first place? That is where we should start. I guess this week's counseling session has made me realize why I did start searching. Why I was questioning everything. It all came down to people. That's right. The very friends and family, I had surrounded myself with daily, had made me question every single thing. I guess I finally realized this week that I had been completely relying on these people in my life. They told me something was wrong and I had to fight it (homosexuality). This is what I was told all of my life. I bought it. I bought every single little thing that was thrown at me. Well this Christian believes it...so it must be true right? Wrong. I had listened to everything! LIKE WHAT?! I am beyond frustrated that I have taken what people have told me and believed it without searching for myself. I can't imagine not figuring this out either. It's like I relied so much on what people said and how I wanted people to feel about me so I acted the way they wanted me to. I wanted to be liked...loved really. I loved that people were like "I'm so proud of you for fighting this" or "I can't imagine what you're going through, you are awesome!" These were the very things that I fought for. I never fought for God. I fought for people. Well after a few weeks of pain and searching I am finally free. No, I don't have an answer and I don't know whether it's right or wrong. I don't really have a feeling either way right now. My counselor helped me realize that I could live in the gray area. Which is something that I used to hate. I hated not having an answer. But you know what? I don't need it right now. I know that when I do need it, it will come. When leaving counseling on Wednesday...I finally felt free. What do I mean by free? I really felt this huge burden lifted off of me when I left my counselor's office. Why? Because I realized that I don't have to rely on people anymore. I don't really care what they think about me or how they I should live. I am not saying I will not hear my friends and family out when it comes to different things, but I know that it really comes down to me. I can finally be independent. I will make decisions for God...and then me. I will not listen to how people think I should live because that is not what God wanted for us and I completely believe that. I am not saying that what people have to say is not completely true, but I am just done relying on what they think I should do. I really do feel like I have the independence to make my own decisions now! I am beyond pumped about this. Life is really good and I can't wait to see what God does.

My World Flipped

I  realized that I haven't blogged in quite awhile. A lot of things have been going on. Honestly it all started at the beginning of last week. Frustrated and clueless I turned to God. I didn't know what to do. This "sin" became so heavy and awful. I didn't want to fight. Then I realized...I had no reason to fight this. God had reminded me that I seriously had no proof that this was wrong, I hadn't done any research and did not know my stuff on this subject. So...I dove in. This week has been crazy. I've never felt happier just by researching and finding different answers. Now let me just say that, no, I have not found a for sure answer on this topic. Homosexuality is such a giant topic I didn't know where to start and then I thought...lets start at the beginning! So I did, I went back just a few years to the Greek and Hebrew. I knew that I had to read this topic from the very beginning. I had to look at it from where it all started! So I did, honestly I looked at every verse that people have given me on the topic. I looked at the original language, did word studies, and prayed (A LOT). So, no, within the verses that I looked at, I did not find anything wrong with homosexuality. I've read so many things from both sides of the debate. Blogs, youtube videos, documentaries... It's been kind of crazy. I'm at the point where I can't find anything wrong with it. I guess I'm still hung up because everything that I had believed beforehand, everything that I had known all my life...was now being turned upside down! I had been taught that this was such an awful "sin." I had been taught that it was an abomination and disgusting. Now researching for myself and finding things that are the complete opposite definitely makes me skeptical and quite honestly just confused. I'm just confused as to why everyone thinks it's so wrong. No I am not saying that I have all the answers and that it is, indeed, okay. I guess I'm learning. But most importantly I just want everyone to know that I am going to be putting GOD first! That is what's truly important. Nothing else really matters. I've done research and I am willing to talk about it with other people, but I know that I must stay focused on God and what He wants for my life. That is what I will be doing. But I also just want to talk, just for a minute, about how awesome the people in my life are. I am going through this kind of questioning stage and learning a lot and I have been really worried about what my friends and family would think. I know they worry about me and don't want me to make the wrong choice here and I get that. But it's definitely going to be a decision that I will make...with God of course. But my friends and family are really open to discussion and I love it! :) I am just very blessed because I really am feeling so loved by them and it's awesome! I couldn't ask for anyone any one better in my life! I am blessed beyond belief! :)